“See what your friends are
writing”
“Who?”
“Your fellow columnists. See how
they are attacking the Minister of Interior, General Abdulrahman Dambazau, just
because an orderly helped to shine his shoes in public.”
“I really don’t see what the hoopla
is all about”
“Me too”
“I think many of our people just
like to talk about shoes. For five years, Nigerians kept talking about how former
President Goodluck Jonathan had no shoes as a child.”
“But he was the one that started it.
Last week or so, the former President was again talking about shoes. In
America.”
“I think people love shoes. That is
why they won’t also allow Dambazau to rest over his shoes.”
“Read what your friend has written
here. He says the orderly was subjecting himself to indignity by bending down
to shine his oga’s shoes at a public ceremony.”
“He doesn’t understand. Many of the
commentators are probably thinking of their own type of shoes. When you see
some shoes, you’d certainly not want a speck of dust anywhere close by. There
are shoes and there are shoes. All these people
making noise, have they seen some
shoes?”
“Someone once showed me his pair of
shoes which he said he bought for 2, 000 pounds. I swear I’d gladly clean such
shoes even if it is at a solemn funeral.”
“Do you have any idea the type of
shoes the Minister was wearing?”
“No. But what does it matter? My
point really is that people should stop blaming the Minister. Look when you are
in public office, things like that happen. It is the duty of your aides to make
sure you look good all the time. “
“I agree. A Minister of the Federal
Republic must always be impeccably dressed. If you ask me to choose between
Minister Dambazau and that one that wears beret and dresses as if he is going
for a Man O’ War session, I’ll choose Dambazau any day.”
“My own point is that nobody should
blame the Interior Minister. It is not as if he summoned the orderly and asked
him to start shining his shoes in public. These things happen. We should
blame the aide. Aides in government corridors are too sycophantic, sometimes,
they don’t fit the occasion to the act.”
“I have seen quite a few of such
aides. I once went with someone to visit a state Governor. The Governor
was the only one sitting on a sofa. All his aides including commissioners sat
on the floor. I didn’t know what to do, whether to stand or join the aides on
the floor. “
“Those aides often respond to their oga’s
body language though. And what did you do?”
“Me? I sat down on the sofa oh. I
think it is the aides who are guilty. It is a peculiar kind of ailment: it is
called eye service.”
“I know. We don’t really have a
civil service.”
“We have an eye service. Anything
that will make the boss happy, even if the same aides will later turn around
and bad mouth the same boss.”
“You know in some government
houses, aides behave like robots. When their boss stands up, they also stand.
When the boss sits down, they too sit down. They eat what eats, and when
they see the big man’s wife, they start grinning from ear to ear.”
“I have seen otherwise educated
aides carrying bags for their Oga’s wife.”
“And you know they don’t need to be
forced to do all that. People just do it. It is a way of showing loyalty”
“But I think your friend’s point in
this article is that the big men should discourage such behaviour.”
“Have you not seen where people
kneel down to talk to their boss? Even when they are asked to stand up or sit
down, you’d see adults saying, let me remain on the ground sir. I am fine
sir, Your Excellency. I am afraid one of these days, you’d see an aide
prostrating publicly to make their boss feel good. Don’t blame the boss, blame
the aide.”
“I still believe that some big men
actually enjoy it. An old friend lost his job as a commissioner because he had
developed the habit of arguing with the Governor at Council meetings. He
refused to behave like other commissioners, the oga-is-always-right
crowd.”
“Any boss that is always right
cannot get it right.”
“You know, the guy told me that at a
particular Council meeting, one of his colleagues stood up and told the
Governor, sir in fact, I have been meaning to tell you, I don’t know how you do
it, you are the wisest man I have ever seen, the best strategist in the world,
the best thing to have ever happened to our state. Then, he asked other council
members to give the Governor three gbosas. Our friend said he was
shocked.”
“So, did he expect the Governor to
sack the praise-singer?”
“That particular commissioner
always got anything he wanted. Someone like that would willingly clean
the Governor’s shoes, he’d in fact gladly do it. ”
“I imagine that it is the same in
the corporate world. Some company executives behave like houseboys.”
“It is a Nigerian thing, then. I am
sure if General Dambazau had asked that guy not to shine his shoes in public,
he would have been very upset. He would think he has fallen out of favour. He
was happy serving the boss, the same way policemen are happy to carry bags for
other people’s wives.’
“It’s human nature. It’s this whole
thing about the survival of the fittest.”
“Like surviving Lassa fever?”
“My brother! That’s frightening. I understand
up to about 63 people have died already in 17 states, and that more may die.”
“The Minister of Health, Professor
Isaac Adewole says the Nigerian Government will write the obituary of Lassa
fever by April.”
“I hope so. If it is possible to do
it before April, that will help, because the way Lassa fever is writing the
obituary of so many people, it may turn out to be worse than Ebola virus.”
“I think the Minister and his team,
and the various state governments are doing a good job of alerting the public
to the dangers of Lassa fever. Even government agencies like the NYSC have
deployed public enlightenment teams to market places.”
“One man ran away from a hospital
while being treated for Lassa fever. May be government should begin to
quarantine people. These days, when I see anybody looking sick, even if it is
ordinary fever, I start by imagining the worst and I keep my distance.”
“I hear some people eat house rats.”
“What?”
“Then, public enlightenment should
become even more vigorous. Eat rat? How can anybody eat Okon Calabar?”
“Who is that?”
“Okon Calabar. That’s what we called
rats when I was in school. You know some of these big rats that don’t run away
from human beings. When they see you, they actually act like they want to jump
on you. I believe those are the real multi mammate rats.”
“I have asked somebody to help me
buy two cats.”
“You have rats in your house? What
kind of house is that? Where do you live?”
“I live in Babana Island.”
“Babana Island. Not Banana
Island? Oh, Babana. That island that is around Abule Egba, close to one refuse
dump”
“You no well.”
“When your house is dirty, and
nothing is well kept, you’d breed rats, of course.”
“I don’t live in dirty surroundings.
I am just taking precautions. And take my advice, also try and buy cats. Let’s
kill all the rats in Nigeria.”
“I like that. Let’s kill the rats
and save lives. But you don’t need cats, get a fumigator to drive all dangerous
things away from your house: rats, cockroaches, mosquitoes.”
“The cost of fumigation has gone up.
I hear fumigators are making serious gains now.”
“Very soon, the cost of cats will
also rise. “
“Cats?”
“Yes. Don’t you know that everything
is business in this country?”
“There are too many human rats out
there ready to take advantage.”
“What do you mean human rats?”
“You don’t know some human beings
are like rats, causing fever?
“You are speaking in tongues.
Okay, name one human rat that you know.”
“I am looking at one right now.”
“Me?”
“Yes”
“No. I am not. You should be talking
to those militants in the Niger Delta who are again sabotaging the country by
blowing up oil installations, and giving the Federal Government conditions.”
“The Port Harcourt, Warri, and
Kaduna refineries have been shut down due to pipeline vandalism. At this rate,
we ‘d soon buy fuel at N200 per litre.”
“God knows we can’t afford another
round of Niger Delta militancy. We have Boko Haram. We have the Biafra
“secessionists.” And now Niger Delta militants are back to the creeks and
trying to reverse the gains of the amnesty programme. In the end, we will all
suffer for it.”
“Don’ t worry, those boys will be
dealt with.”
“At what cost? It is better to nip
the crisis in the bud.”
“How? By begging the militants? The
Federal Government has made it clear that it will not succumb to blackmail.”
“Who is talking about blackmail?”
“Wahala today. Wahala tomorrow. This
Nigeria sef.”
“Yes oh. They are even saying
we will now pay stamp duty on all monies paid into our bank accounts once the
amount is over N1, 000. When you add that to other bank charges, how much
is left?”
“My friend, it is just N50.”
“It is not just N50. Why must I dash
government money? Is government now begging for alms? Is it that bad? If I want
to give anybody alms, it should be my decision.”
“There is a law called Stamp Duties
Act. They want to enforce the law.”
“So, a bank is now a branch of the
Post Office? If anybody posts money into my account, government will force me
to buy stamp? And yet we want a cashless society? Very soon, people will stop
doing electronic transfers.”
“Don’t be stingy. Be a good
citizen.”
“N50 on every transaction. For
people who run active accounts, that could amount to very heavy tax by the end
of a month. You know what? I think they should just re-name the banks and call
them post offices, since they are now selling stamps.”
“As in?”
“As in Zenith Post Office”
“Diamond Post Office”
“Union Post Office”.
“Na wa oh.”
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